I came across an old yearbook from when I was in grade school. As I was scrolling through the pages to get to my grade, it was hard to recognize anyone because my youngest sister had scribbled, colored or drawn mustaches and weird cones over just about everyone. My older brothers were circled and had nice, one-word, things written over their pictures. I was excited to see what some of my oldest friends looked like and if she had also drawn over their (or my) faces. When it came to my grade... the pages were missing... My disappointment was immeasurable. It was such a buzzkill to start at 8th grade, look at every page and then when it finally came to my grade (2nd,) it was gone! That was a kick in the pants, let me tell you. So yeah, let's talk about...
Dracula 2000 (2000)
When I was putting together my list of movies to watch this October, it quickly filled up with vampire movies. There are still four or five more vampire movies I want to watch. When looking at the ones I wanted to watch, I understood this one was likely to be the worst one, but I still really wanted to see it.
We start with a group of burglars breaking into the vault of a believed-to-be, descendant of the famous vampire hunter Abraham Van Helsing. While going through his security they're aghast to find no treasure, just crosses and an ornate casket. Unfortunately for them, inside the casket is the world's most famous vampire, Dracula himself! Naturally, he gets out and then starts turning or, as Wikipedia put it, "vampirizing," the surviving members of the heist. Van Helsing then tracks him down to New Orleans as Dracula is on the hunt for one very specific woman.
The first thing that stuck out to me was the cast. It seems like every time they introduced a new character I'd think, "Hey! It's that guy, I remember them! I wonder what they're up to!" For Danny Masterson, the answer is serving a prison sentence, sharing a similar fate with the producer of the movie, Harvey Weinstein. As the movie goes on I thought I had seen the end of familiar faces until there's a wild Nathan Fillion sighting! I had hoped he would have a bigger part to play, but nah, it's two scenes and then he peaces out.
It's not very good, and no one expected it to be. To give you an idea of the faith that the producers had in this movie; Weinstein hired a guy to fix the script, and when asked if the movie was any good, Weinstein said it was not. When asked, "Then why make it?" Weinstein responded, "Because it's called Dracula 2000."
It will never be mistaken for a "good" movie, but it does have its strong points. For starters, I'd argue Gerard Butler playing Dracula might be his best role. After watching The Last Voyage of the Demeter and seeing Dracula look more monster than man, it was nice seeing the vampire look closer to how he's described in the book. It's pretty central to the character to be able to charm and seduce people and there's NO way the Dracula in Demeter is seducing anybody. Butler plays the role very well and is very convincing. You know not to mess with him, but you're intrigued by him nonetheless. While he doesn't play that big a role in the movie, I also liked the aging Van Helsing taking on the much faster vampires.
Before I get into my favorite thing about the movie, there's something I want to talk about first. I've mentioned already how I'm critical when it comes to how movies handle the news. In an earlier post, I said it was something that immediately takes me out of a movie. Well, this film may have been the worst. Jeri Ryan is a good actress, but she gave one of the worst reporter portrayals I've ever seen. From her delivery and the lines she gives during her report, it's just bad. When filming a promo she actually uses the line, "Turn me on at 10..." So bad... and a complete lack of understanding from filmmakers about how news works.
But, I want to talk about my absolute favorite thing. The movie changed a very big part of the Dracula lore, and if you remember from my Demeter review, I didn't like that. But this time, it was awesome. If you're going to add something to a very established character and their lore, Dracula 2000 is how you do it. I have to get into spoiler territory because not talking about it would make this review incomplete because it saves the movie and is easily the best part about it. We eventually find out that Dracula is Judas Iscariot, the apostle who betrayed Jesus for the 30 pieces of silver. I love the twist because it makes sense. It explains why Dracula doesn't like holy relics and his aversion to silver. In a movie like this one, you don't expect something that clever. It's an idea that needs to be in a better movie, but still, I give the writer a ton of credit for the idea. It's so simple but so original. Well done!
Before I go, I just wanted to drop one thing in there that made me laugh. At one point Van Helsing's apprentice is fighting Omar Epps. Epps has the apprentice, a young man named Simon, pinned to the ground, but Simon manages to grab a hold of a cross and holds it in front of him like a shield. Epps scoffs at him, "Sorry sport. I'm an atheist."
In response, Simon presses a button and the cross turns into a knife, and says, "God loves you anyways," before stabbing Epps in the eye. Awesome.
7 Dr. Chainsaws!
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