I enjoy seeing the Chicago Bears lose. It's a shame that such a cool animal has to share a name with such a poopy football team, but alas. When I worked in Illinois no one would believe me when I told them that the team is, in fact, the worst. It boggled my mind. Even when they're "good" the team manages to blow it and I'm 100% here for it. I can imagine it's disappointing for fans. And speaking of disappointing, let's talk about...
X (2022)
I have heard and read people talk about this movie a lot. I couldn't scroll through Reddit or Facebook without seeing like five posts about Mia Goth, X, Pearl or MaXXXine. I'm not sure why, but I had no desire to see the movie and held out until I got tired of scrolling past it on Paramount. Still, I was hesitant in case I didn't like it. I remember the last time I didn't like a movie that horror circles loved (Hereditary,) I was condescendingly told to go watch Conjuring. Which, OK, I guess. Hot tip, if someone doesn't like something, it is rarely because they "didn't get it," but it just didn't appeal to them. But enough people have been talking about it and now that's three of them, I decided it was time to bite the bullet. I mean, it's Ti West, I've liked everything of his I've seen so far.
Until now. I didn't like this movie. Before I get into why, here's the story; a group of young, attractive people are going to make a porno. Not just any porno, but they got a film dude who is convinced this is going to be the porno that breaks through because he's going to make it cinema. The group rents out a home at a secluded farm in Texas from a very old couple with just terrible makeup jobs. Think Guy Pearce from Prometheus.
While there we get to meet the group and for the most part, I like them. They're young and they know life is short, looks fade and their bodies are going to fail someday, so they're going to enjoy it while they can. They understand their lifestyle isn't what society expects out of them and they're fine with that. They're all very comfortable in their own skin and in a way, it's refreshing. My favorite character is Wayne. He's the oldest in the group and responsible for bringing them all together. He's a sleazeball, but he's got a thick Texas accent, complete with a cowboy hat, and it's entertaining watching him strut around and be so annoyingly charming with his used car salesman schtick. He was the one I wanted to survive. Once he meets his end, which is eye-roll-inducing, my interest in the movie went way down. Or, as Scott Steiner would say, "Drastic goes down."
I think the biggest reason this movie fell flat for me was the baddies. There are going to be spoilers here, but it's not too much of a spoiler because it's obvious there's something off about the two when you first meet them. The very old couple in the bad aging makeup are the killers. Normally that would be fine, I mean, the old couple in Motel Hell are cool, so it can be done. But this pair just isn't intimidating at all. Mia Goth also plays the villainous Pearl, and another younger guy plays her husband Howard. They're just not convincing as old people, from how they move or talk, also, the bad makeup job isn't doing them any favors either. Goth is good as Maxine, but her Pearl is lacking.
And adding to how not intimidating they are, the way they meet their demise is how teenagers make fun of people ten years older than them. Howard has a heart attack and dies when Jenna Ortega's character spits up blood after they thought she was dead. Then Pearl breaks her hip when the recoil from the rifle she fires sends her flying out of the room like it's a "Three Stooges" sketch. In general, villains make a horror movie, or in this case, break them. As far as motives go; being upset that you're old and others are young is not intriguing in the least. I'm guessing the prequel, Pearl, gives more of their backstory, but nah, I'm out, I don't want to spend another hour and 45 minutes with characters I don't care about. I know I'm in the minority with this, but nothing about them was interesting. I found Pearl annoying and skipped ahead 10 seconds three times during the slow dance she did after she killed the first dude. What? I was tired and it had already been going on for too long when I clicked the button to jump ahead. For much of the movie, it feels like the "horror" is how old the two are. It's like West is saying, "She's so old, look how gross she is! She's touching Mia, it's so gross because she's old!" It's also weird that in such a sex-positive movie the film REALLY wants you to be grossed out by the old couple banging.
Having bad villains is a big strike against it, but it commits a cardinal sin when it comes to horror. It's boring. Keep in mind, this is only my opinion and I'm sure many will disagree. But it takes almost an hour for something "scary" to happen. I don't mind slow burns. I thought Ti West's House of the Devil was wonderful and I really enjoyed The Innkeepers, but with those, something interesting was happening to keep you invested. This movie just throws naked people on screen until the killing happens and that will only take you so far.
It's not all bad though. I wasn't familiar with Kid Cudi before I saw this movie, but he was good in it. I already mentioned how I liked Wayne, but Jenna Ortega has the best moment. A believable scream is tough, but man, she kills it when she comes across a body in the basement. She has the most believable, "Oh my God, I'm going to die" scream since Katherine Isabelle. I didn't find her all that great in Scream, but she makes you believe she's scared shitless here. And to think she pulled it off while hungover and it's even more impressive.
Overall, I didn't like it. It's boring, the villains are forgettable, not believable, not scary and it's frustrating seeing some of these kills go down. I mean, it's better than Skinamarink at least, but I'm cutting my losses and skipping anything else that continues the story of Maxine.
3 Dr. Chainsaws!
